At 40 years of age, the18th November 2021 was the day I had my first psychedelic experience and I wrote this account of it the following day. Words can't fucking describe it properly but I did my best...
This was my first proper psychedelic experience.
Even during all my hardest partying years, I stayed away from these as I just felt in my gut that MAGIC MUSHROOMS and these types of experiences would do me no good.
I had heard stories of people having really bad 'trips' fucking their head up and some even jumping off buildings (a bar man in Amsterdam told me that one!) and with me always having been an overthinker, a bit paranoid and the fact that I was miserable and really unhappy due to my life falling apart in my early 30's, I was in a dark place mentally and knew my mindset wasn't right for that kind of thing.
At the age of 40 as I write this, I have come a long way. After hitting rock bottom mentally come 2015, due to several years of chronic knee pain, not being able to do what I loved most (playing drums in a metal band and writing music), being in a job I fucking hated, my last relationship falling apart and the mental struggle that came with it all - I decided to make some SERIOUS changes!
I changed my MINDSET, diet and overall lifestyle completely over the next couple of years and my life improved dramatically as I healed the knee pain (that doctors/experts said I'd just have to live with the rest of my life), got back to playing drums and got STRONGER, FITTER and HEALTHIER than EVER!!!
The last few years have been A LOT better and my life unrecognisable compared to the previous few years, but in the last couple of months I have struggled with motivation, the nonsense and over-the-top fear mongering and BULLSHIT spewed by governments and the mainstream media over the pandemic, and then my mother suddenly taking ill due to an infection in her hip that SHOULD have been operated on MONTHS earlier to remove some metal and get a hip replacement.
Due to the over-the-top Covid restrictions, my mother and fuck knows how many others didn't get the treatment or operations they needed resulting in serious infection which very quickly (and unexpectedly to us) led to her taking a stroke and heart attack and hitting most of her vital organs due to Sepsis, 5 days later she died in the hospital in Belfast.
This DEVASTATED me and put me in a very dark place as you can imagine, but none-the-less, due to my lifestyle changes and working on myself over the last few years, I am a lot stronger mentally and managed to keep doing some physical training, breathing exercises and eating healthy for the most part rather than dealing with it the old way - intoxicating myself with alcohol and other substances!
I have broken down several times but rather than suppress everything like I've done most of my life, I've openly talked about it to my partner and my dad and let myself cry my fuckin' eyes out when I needed to.
Despite all of this and feeling down, I felt the urge to do Magic Mushrooms - not to party or escape but for GUIDANCE. I had managed to get some just before my mum died and the way they came to me was effortless and free!
I have read up on and listened to various people's experiences with psychedelics and PLANT MEDICINES like Ayahuasca and mushrooms over the last few years and know some people personally who found them to be life-changing. There have also been studies done where people suffering from depression have overcome or drastically improved their lives.
I now felt it was time for me to give it a go to see if I could get some clarity or guidance in how to improve my life, heal and move forward.
Just to be clear, I was not taking these in a chaotic party environment, this was a controlled experience in a quiet room with relaxing meditation music and intention, with someone I could trust nearby.
Words can't really describe the whole experience and do it justice, as I'm sure most people who have had one will tell you. The experience depends on how many mushrooms you've taken as well as how strong they are, and no doubt what frame of mind you're in.
It was fuckin' weird visually, and the physical feeling - when I stood up my legs nearly left me, my vision was blurred at times and other times it was clear, with pictures on the wall moving, the curtains and blinds moving, the toilet getting smaller, then bigger when I was taking a piss haha!
The colours were very contrasting - the bright things in the room were REALLY bright and the dark things were really dark and when I closed my eyes (which I did for most of the time I think) that's when all the messages, guidance and advice came to me, in a voice that wasn't mine but wasn't that different - I think it was my Higher Self I think (yeah I never thought I'd hear myself talk like that either haha!).
I feel in my gut and just KNOW that everything it told me was right and exactly what I needed to do going forward to live my best life. Here are some of the messages I wrote down that came to me...
Don't live within the constructs of normal society (this repeated several times!)
It's OK to feel RAGE, it's OK to feel SAD, it's OK to feel GOOD when others don't and it's OK to CRY!... Don't suppress your emotions, don't stay in a bad state for too long and don't dwell on what goes wrong!
Believe in yourself and be open to all experiences and doing amazing things
Believe and take ACTION and you will attract opportunities
I loved drinking and partying so much because I LET GO, my inhibitions disappeared and the fun-loving REAL me appeared... I just drank way too much sometimes then it wasn't the real me in THAT state!
I CAN be the real me without alcohol and need to be the real me and not worry about what other people think
It's OK that not everyone will like me - it's OK for some to hate me but the ones who like and love me will love the REAL me... and no-one is liked by everyone!
It's OK for people to disagree with me, and vice versa - don't dwell on it and let people piss me off or hold grudges
I was also then taken on what I can only describe as a life review after all these different bright shapes and patterns and all these fuckin' amazing colours came flying towards me!
Through all my years growing up, and into adulthood, I have always had what I can only describe as a crippling shyness, anxiety, lack of confidence and self-belief and always suppressed my feelings the majority of the time, whether I was suffering OR feeling good.
I always kept myself to myself and most people don't really know the REAL me, except my close friends, ex-girlfriends and my current partner (at the time of writing this) who knows me better than anyone.
I have improved a lot in the last 5-6 years after making many changes in my life but still have a lot to work on.
The mushrooms took me through so many scenarios throughout my life. They showed me a lot of the good times but also showed me (and explained) how much I missed out on because of my lack of self-belief, shyness and worrying about what other people think - my fear of REJECTION basically. Something I believe everyone has to some degree.
It went through everything, from all the girls I wanted to ask out but didn't, the opportunities I missed out on in jobs I worked, nights out and trips that could have led to even better times and how my experience and opportunities for my old band could have been SO much more!
The trip also took me through a lot of sexual fantasy stuff, which I'll not go into detail over, but basically it was me with multiple, beautiful women of different types and ages in threesomes and orgies, with me the only man there!... probably a common type of fantasy most of us men have dreamed about haha!
'They' also showed me in amazing physical shape and health doing MMA training, taking ice baths, speaking and walking with REAL confidence and playing drums in a metal band in front of a big crowd and basically said all these things are possible in the future IF I believe in myself, put in the work and am truly open to it!
I was told that I need to share my gifts with the world. That's what we're all supposed to do.
These things were all achievable in the past but they told me I was too closed off, stressing about pointless things, always tense and holding back. My old metal band INTERROGATE was the one thing that I gave blood, sweat and tears for, to try and become professional but apparently I was still holding back, didn't REALLY believe I could 'make it' and missed opportunities by not openly networking enough and talking to more people in person.
I know deep down that these things are true, so my mission now is to keep working on my MINDSET, improving my confidence, getting stronger, fitter and sharper mentally AND physically... and making sure I do shit that I fucking LOVE and BELIEVE in!
To make BORN 2 BLEED a true success and impact thousands of metalheads all over the world, I must LIVE and BREATHE it - something I'll be striving even harder to do in future!
I also got told that I have improved my health, mind and body, a lot over the last few years but I must now take it to another level... which means A LOT more effort!
This is the best I can do to describe what I remember but I'm certainly glad I did the SHROOMS. They helped me REALISE, and mostly REAFFIRM a lot of the things I know I need to do.
PSYCHEDELICS, like everything I guess, are probably not for everyone so I'm not here to recommend them to anyone, I'm just sharing my experience.
A lot of people have turned their lives around, using Magic Mushrooms and other Psychedelic plant medicines, in a controlled manner in a calm, controlled, relaxing environment with people they trust or know what they are doing.
You're not going to get much life advice or guidance by going nuts in a party situation with people you don't completely trust. You might have a good time, or the WORST fuckin' time of you life, so research Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca etc and listen to or read up on other peoples' experiences on them before you think about doing them would be my advice.
As cheesy as it sounds, you'll probably know deep down when the time is right to try them (if ever) as they will call you. I've heard that said by others and it ended up happening to me a few years later. Listen to your gut.
As my trip ended and it was wearing off, my vision returned to normal but I still felt weird. I had something to eat but I seemed to freeze or zone out at times and then became amused and fascinated by a slice of potato and kept saying "POTASSIUM... the world needs more POTATSSIUM" and kept laughing! Maybe I need more potassium in my diet?
A short time after, I got emotional and my partner had to take the plate from me as I started to think about my mother suffering so much and then losing her life because of not getting her hip operation on time due to the Covid restrictions.
The anger started to build up and I kept saying someone should pay for this BUT she helped me realise and reminded me in that moment that holding grudges and getting bitter would only do ME harm - something I learned a few years ago from reading THE SECRET.
After the rage faded, I broke down in tears and cried hard thinking of my mum's death and how much I missed her and couldn't believe she was gone. When I got myself together, a few minutes later I had the urge to write down some thoughts and lyrics down.
I'm a drummer but I wrote a lot lyrics for my old band but hadn't written any or come up with any song ideas in years.
Some of it was heartfelt and real... and some of it nonsense haha! But, maybe it's what I needed to kickstart my musical creativity again? I'll leave you with the first few lines that I wrote down...
MY HEART IS BROKEN
MY SOUL IS TIRED
BUT IT'S TIME TO RISE AGAIN
... AND MORE POTASSIUM! (haha!)
This has actually been hard for me to share as I've always been a private person, but as with all my BORN 2 BLEED content, I want to do it in the hope that it will help someone who has suffered, is feeling stuck or had similar struggles to me but never talked to anyone about it or just to help open people's minds to the possibilities out there to heal ourselves that aren't talked about much in 'mainstream' society.
Life's too fuckin' short - don't suffer alone and don't suffer in silence. Talk to someone and start asking yourself (and others) what you can do to overcome your struggles and start taking ACTION to improve your life!
In the end it's down to you. You have to be willing to help yourself, but don't be afraid to ask for help.
No matter what you're fucking struggle, there's ALWAYS a way to improve your life!
NEVER GIVE UP!