* The following is an account of my own personal experience, or at least what I can remember... I am NOT recommending that you do the same. I wrote the following blog the day after my 2nd experience with Magic Mushrooms on the 21st December 2021...
I think it was just over a week ago that voice whispered in my head, telling me to do Magic Mushrooms again on the 21st December - The Solstice.
I don't consider myself a "Spiritual person" but I am very open-minded to it and believe that you should go with your gut feeling and listen to your intuition or inner guidance - that quiet sincere sounding voice, not the nasty little fucker who tries to talk you out of doing things you should or encourages you to the shit that sets you back!
Regardless of what or who that voice was, any time I saw the mushrooms in my house or thought about them, I had a strong feeling or 'knowing' that I should do them... and take a larger dose that the last time!
My intention, again, was not for party purposes or to have fun, but to seek answers/guidance on how to get out of the slump I've been in for a while.
I've felt like something has been holding me back, feeling like I stopped making progress in all areas of my life for the last few months...
And then my mother, who was fit and healthy, took ill while in hospital for a hip replacement operation she should've had months beforehand. She like many others no doubt, was neglected due to over-the-top Covid restrictions and took a severe infection leaving her in agony.
The infection caused a stroke and heart attack and she died 2 weeks later on 22nd October.
I felt like changes were needed and that big changes were coming, but had no idea that it would be something so fucking devastating!
Of course this added to my struggles and it's been so hard dragging myself out of bed every morning and BORN 2 BLEED, and my life in general, has not been progressing or growing the way I'd have liked.
I seemed to have lost my passion for life and it was my hope that the mushrooms could help me find some answers or shake things up.
Be careful what you wish for they say!
My 2nd mushroom experience REALLY fucking shook me up - it was only what I can describe as a full-on and relentless assault to the senses!
I don't really have the fucking language skills to REALLY describe it, and have only covered SOME of it here, but it was being like swept up by a tornado and smashed off the wall and the ground repeatedly.
Intense colours were flashing and changing and it was different every time I opened or closed my eyes.
Sounds were intense, my body felt like it was violently twisting and tensing, my breathing weird and intense also and, at one point, I thought I had pissed and shit myself... thankfully I hadn't!
Voices said to me "LET GO - YOU CAN'T CONTOL EVERYTHING" so I tried to relax my body and stay as calm as I could in the 'storm' but it was so fucking intense and fucking frightening that I felt like I was going to break or lose my fucking mind!
Every so often I could see myself like I was the observer and this 'tornado being' thing smashed me into the ground, stopped and in a scary fucking demonic voice screamed "HOW MUCH MORE CAN YOU TAKE?!"
I was viewing myself from behind in the distance, and was wearing the BORN 2 BLEED "Never Give Up" t-shirt.
When this happened, it took off again, seemed to get more intense then stopped, smashed me into the ground again and the voice said "WE'RE GONNA BREAK HIM!"... then off it went again.
I felt like I was helpless and had no control as it kept happening, but despite this I had a 'knowing' that I was strong enough and a determination to fight it.
The next time I got smashed into the ground it said "HE'S A RESILIENT FUCKER" and I remember screaming "You'll never fucking break me! No matter what you keep throwing at me I'll keep bound back and I'll never give up!"
I actually feel unsettled and nervous as I write this and think back to it.
I lost all concept of time and have no idea how long this part lasted, but the whole trip lasted about 7-8 hours before it really calmed down!
There were a few calm moments and some less intense moments but it was pretty full-on and extreme for a long time, or so it seemed, and I would say that this shit is definitely not for everyone and I could understand how it can break some people.
I can't remember everything but there were other parts similar to my first trip taking me through different parts of my life, like lots of times through the years playing in my band INTERROGATE.
It showed me the good times as well as the struggles and voices told me I could've achieved so much more and went so much further, but deep down I didn't believe it was possible despite working so hard and being so driven.
Self belief has always been my biggest problem and I was taken through a lot of my past sexual experiences, then a lot of sexual fantasies with all these different women came up, and the voices told me I could've had so many more if I had believed in myself, been more confident and not been afraid of rejection.
This was also the case regarding work, job opportunities and making money.
They told me we can have pretty much anything we REALLY want in this life, but we truly have to believe we can do it and keep taking action no matter how many setbacks we suffer or how many times we fail.
Self-worth issues and lack of self belief were the main themes and no doubt these are the things that hold most people back.
Towards the end of the trip, when the effects were wearing off and I was a bit more conscious and aware, but not completely back in the 'real' world, my partner asked me a few questions about what I experienced and what came up.
She basically took me through a full-on counselling/therapy session, as she has great knowledge on NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), Psychology and experience with clients through Energy Healing.
I was still in a bit of a trance but knew what was happening.
After zoning out and some deep thinking I realised a few things.
I realised that as a child I built this fake persona of being a "good boy" and not wanting to misbehave out of fear of not being loved or liked, which forced me to hide the REAL me from most people over the years.
It all apparently stems from an incident when I was about 3 and getting shouted at/told off and got a smack from my Dad in a super market because I threw a tantrum when told I couldn't have a toy I wanted.
My parents were not super strict or abusive in anyway (they were great) but apparently, although I believe my Dad did the right thing, my 'child mind' took this as meaning I can't have everything I want and if I ask for too much, break the 'rules' or misbehave, I won't be liked or loved.
This led me to becoming a very quiet and shy person growing up, often afraid to speak out and ask for things because of the belief that I could never have them as it might cause conflict and I wouldn't be 'liked'.
I also suppressed my feelings a lot as I didn't want to hassle anyone, be a complainer or not be liked. These things were not something I thought about but I must've been running this "program" sub-consciously.
Listening to heavy music and playing drums would become the outlet for all my frustration and anger... without it I would've probably snapped somewhere along the line lol!
Growing up, I was always pushed to do well in school, so although I hated it, I did it and this pattern continued into the jobs I worked since leaving school. Do your work-keep your head down-get on with it-type mentality.
Although I never really let anyone walk over me I did hold back from speaking out so many times in all areas of my life, and missed out on countless opportunities because of this fear of rejection and trying to avoid conflict as much as possible.
Like my first Psychedelic experience showed me, this is why I loved drinking so much. I lost my inhibitions and didn't give a fuck about what people would think and REALLY fucking enjoyed myself...
Until I drank TOO much, then the scales tipped and I just got stupid, silly, passed out, talked shit, threw up or all of the above LOL!
Funny enough, when I had a few drinks and was in good spirits, my shyness disappeared, I didn't overthink or over-analyse everything I said or did and more people seemed to enjoy my company.
The lesson from this is that I need to be my TRUE SELF, not give a fuck about what other people think, and realise that I don't need approval from others.
You can't please all of the people all of the time... and that's OK.
At the end of the trip, I visualised the 'incident' in the shop, spoke to my 3 year old self and told him it's OK, that my parents loved me and I just couldn't have a toy every time I went shopping as they couldn't afford it and that there's no need to be afraid.
I then had a vision of my parents in front of me. My mother was crying hard and telling me she was sorry and that they never meant for me to feel that way.
She told me that they loved me, were proud of me, and all they both wanted was for me to be happy.
As the tears were dripping down my face, I forgave them both (not that they really did anything bad) and forgave myself for assuming something that wasn't true.
My mum's eyes then started to change.
It was like yellow and black demon eyes were coming through hers and I started to fear that something was taking her away, but consciously I relaxed myself, told her I loved her and my dad... and they all disappeared.
I can't remember if it was before or after this, but at the end a voice said to me...
"Well done. Most people won't do the inner work and face their problems head on and that's why they remain miserable and unhappy, regardless of all the material things they have."
FUCKIN' HELL!... THAT WAS A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE haha!
After all that, at the very end, I got the urge to lift the notepad and pen I had sitting beside me and I just started writing the following without thinking. It just flowed out...
The shackles are off!
Today is a turning point. Great things are ahead but KNOW that does not mean EASY!
It's going to be hard to live the life you want but you've shown today that you can get through anything.
ALWAYS face your problems head on.
Face your fears, don't let them control you.
Embrace your dark side but don't let it take over - balance is key.
Most importantly - be your TRUE SELF!
You do not need anyone's approval to be worthy. You ARE worthy and your potential is LIMITLESS.
Do the hard things, challenge yourself daily.
BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!
Be willing to fail, that's where the gold is. If you're not willing to fail, you'll never succeed.
Don't dwell on past mistakes - learn from you mistakes and move on.
Keep going forward.
Win or learn in everything you do.
TAKE THE TIME TO TRAIN YOUR MIND!
Like many of the other posts and blogs I've shared through BORN 2 BLEED I found this REALLY fuckin' difficult and uncomfortable, BUT I'm aiming to get out of my comfort zone in every way possible, speak out and not give a fuck what others think.
I'm doing this not only for myself but in the hope that some of my experiences and the things I share might help someone else out there as other people have inspired and helped me by sharing theirs.
Psychedelics have been shown to HELP people change the story they've been telling themselves, overcome depression, self-limiting beliefs, past traumas and "re-wire" the brain to help them improve their lives in many ways when done in the right way in a controlled environment.
As with any diet, food, treatment etc, I recommend you do your own research on these things before deciding to try anything.
Watch the videos above, read articles and books and speak to people who have experience.
When it comes to healing yourself mentally or physically, and in life in general...
THE MORE OPEN-MINDED YOU ARE, THE MORE OPTIONS YOU HAVE!
Never let ANYONE tell you that nothing can be done to improve your health or quality of life...
There's ALWAYS a way if you're willing to keep looking AND do whatever it takes... and there's usually no easy way!
Conventional medicine and people have some benefits and do good work but they certainly don't have ALL the answers.